Sunday, November 18, 2012

Up. Date!

There are few things in life that scratch the surface of the soul. More so, there are fewer things that can make me cringe, snap or better yet, explode in a nuclear meltdown.

The last 24h have brought me closer to that effect than ever before. Here is an account, uncensored and un edited, of my attempt at a romantic gesture.

After a few drizzly days in El Salto and 3 new routes up up and away, I decided to pay a surprise visit to a lady in calling in San Antonio.

I woke up a little past 5 am with the roosters in Cienega. Spared no time, started the truck, stretched a little and began the 50 min downhill fog ridden, rain spewing twists and turns of the "Calle de la Muerte" or, road of death. I drove through from South of Monterrey towards the 85 north heading to the border of Mexico and Texas.

I checked my fuel, and it was a little low, but I gathered I would tank up mid way on the highway. Checking my pockets, I was out of Pesos. So I turn off and take the free highway instead of the pay toll route. After a couple miles, I stop to pump some gas.

Miscommunication leads to my card not being able to be swiped at the pump for payment for said gasoline. I drive to the bank, leaving behind my Passport as collateral.

Denied. No cash advance available on the CC. Its 8 am, raining, and I am on the clock. Now, without $.

I call my friend Paya, in Monterrey, who drives out to bring me 1000 Pesos in debt. When he arrives, I pay the lady, retrieve my passport and thank Paya. Its 9 am and I have driven less then 20 miles outside of Monterrey, 400 Miles to go.

I hope in the truck, put key to static metal and turn the widget. Nothing!!!!!!!!!! Again, Nothing. All but a click noise, but no engine.

After about an hour of diagnostics, I find that the solenoid on the starter is fried! Or, better should I say, Humidified and not responding.

3 hours, 1 mechanic, one shitty town, three sketchy whores, about 20 Narcos and 850 pesos ( 70$ ) later, a new solenoid is installed, and the truck returns to full throttle. This time, I take the toll way. Its 11 am.

The 2 h drive is uneventful, less the few check points and red eyed police high on speed.

I arrive at the Columbia bridge border a little after noon to find a 5 hour wait. No kidding. As I snail along the pavement, the sign to the new bridge comes into view. ( Picture below )

"The quickest way across the Rio, everyday"

I look and ponder, if this is the quickest way, I wonder how many days of wait it is at the Laredo border?

I laugh. I crack open the Jack Daniels bottle, and pop in some Californication Epps on the laptop.

Of course, at 6pm, when its my time to cross, the border official " Randomly" picks me for a full body and truck check. My genitals are violated, just a little bit, and the truck is home to a huge german shepherd named Dave. With nothing to detain me further, I am on my way.

I lock in the cruise control at 80mp/h, pump in some Netsky and arrive at the next and final check point for homeland security. Nothing harrowing, just a 30 min wait. Though, my reckless driving and stupor of a drunken haze does get me pulled over. Luckily, its a border patrol officer, and he has no jurisdiction on traffic violations, and I am off in a jiffy!

By now its closing in on 8pm, which means I have been traveling for more than 15 hours through 2 borders, 6 check points, and for all, 400 miles.

I arrive at my destination bug eyed, stewing in sticky 3 day old bolting close, covered in grease from the elbows down, face and neck.

I stop in behind the target and find a water nossle. Can anyone imagine what I did next?

I shampoo, and wash-cloth myself in the 60 degree temps, just shy of cold enough to give me a heart attack, though it would my father.

Side bar. I should mention, that I also decided to get my hair cut in mexico. I won't bore you for the details, but put it this way. I am midway between a marine staff sargeant and a cheap male hooker from San Francisco with a paddy/mullet growing crooked out back of my skull. Needless to say, its the worse hair I have had in years. Knowing, you know full well how important my hair is to me. So there.

I digress.

I cleaned up, changed into the best receptive clothes possible that is traveling with me exactly for such occasion, I drape on a payer of Mango Dove deodorant, and I am off ready to face thy fairy!

I wish I could tell you that the imagined romantic movie scene that I was dreaming up, did actually happen. I back away from the bar, she runs around the counter, arms like wings of an angel, jumping into my arms and we hug and kiss passionately while the crowd tears up and the credits roll under a fading fire orange sunset. Alas, it was pretty much as you would imagine. We exchanged pleasantries, some smiles and awkward little moments that were somewhat cute and affectionate and I retired to my domain, at about 11pm, to sleep off the day as she continued her night as a night dweller and child of the darkness!

Oups, Side bar. Jeb did make me a mean steak and fries. My niece Isabella was in rare form too, taking up every ounce of energy I had in waking. I love that family. They are so REAL! Its bizarre to watch them from afar and then compare it to my life. I am living in a daydream.

Jeb did say something to me last night that rattled me. We where speaking about the above mentioned actions to win the heart of a soul, and he commented how all I wanted was P. Or A. Or both. Using only the letters in-front of the little 5 year old. I turned to him and said quit simply that nothing would disgust me more.

"I'm 35 dude. I've gotten all the P and A I could ever want. More than most could handle in a lifetime. What I want, most of all, is to have someone to share the finale moments of my life with." He stood there. We both smiled and ate some more steak. Friends are a rare thing these days. I am glad I have Jeb. Your the rock dude. The man. Few of my male friends even come close to being at your level buddy. Kudos to you.

All in all, I think it was a good day. I slept well, and I was up 5 am. Now its time to shuffle all the 20 emails in the inbox while I sip my 5$ latte at Starbucks, which, by the way, is blasting its A/C at 6am. I stand outside, cause its warmer there. I will see you all soon babies! till then, climb hard, be strong and opinion yourself. Its never to stupid, or to obtuse, if it comes from you!

What follows is something I wrote late last night. I should mention I am trying to write a book, well, three actually, and sometimes, well, dribble comes out. Here is some. Enjoy.

There is not much I can say that has not already been printed. Like the oxymoron of rock, when the stars themselves fight in court over the same chords played over different violins and trumpets ablaze.

The hank Moody's of this world are slowly dying. Themselves drinking into stupors of drag queens and incandescent porn blasting across broadband from countries who are untouchable to the lawful hand that should protect the very innocent lives of those from whom we thrive to defile, in reality or in daydreams, while all the while glued to our techno puters and monetary watchdog graphs of stock markets illusions of greed.

So, you see the big picture yet? if so, stop reading, its to layman terms for you. For the rest of your sheep out there, wanting another controversial conversation starter for your wine tasting fund raiser tonight, this, might actually get you laid this time.

This is my prose to all if us walking dead. The veritable truth in barrel. What you read is what you will get. Follow thy shy peasant into his obscure world. Follow him to the depths of raving chants and abusive rhetoric charm to the land of the promiscuous and free. No, wait , that doesn’t sound right. Follow me to the land of the part truth, part failure. Part one and part two. Follow the to another simple fiction of lies and deceits, of bare naked  verbal sodomy and into the great wide dark closed doors of the young and the fresh.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012


In the immortal words of Jim Morrison,

"The time to hesitate is through."

I didn't feel like listing all the gear, so i just a picture after sorting it out.

Thanks to Maxim Ropes, So iLL, Fixe, Hilti, La Sportiva, Petzl, Jeb Vetters Inc. and my trusty truck for making trip without incident.

Ps. Total hangers and bolts combined is 2500!

Who da man?

Sunday, November 4, 2012

My little nephew Emiritus in Croatia. Isn't he cute. Can't wait to go back and be with everyone again.